When I decided to take up bass guitar I thought the process of getting equipment would be a simple case of trying things and buying the items I liked. I was wrong.

1) Spend half a day trying out bass guitars in different shops to find the one you want. You'll know it's the right one - the sound is so great it puts the others to shame.

2) Buy the guitar.

3) Learn to play.

4) Adjust guitar because some notes buzz.

5) After failing to remove all the fret buzz return it to the shop for professional adjustment.

6) Collect instrument but discover they've made it worse.

7) Obtain refund from shop and consider giving up.

8) Realise you'd still have the bass if only you'd thought of shaving down the one or two offending frets.

9) Give up on the whole idea.

10) Wait many months.

11) Get asked to play bass for a band you've never heard of.

12) Buy bass guitar who's online description makes it sound like it's a really good deal.

13) Wait all day for the guitar to be delivered.

14) Wait another day or so while the courier sorts out the mess of sending it to the wrong part of the country.

15) Go out in the morning because the courier is booked to deliver after 2pm.

16) Get home around 12pm to discover a 'sorry we missed you' card from the courier.

17) Phone couriers with a sob story and persuade them to contact the driver and see if a second attempt is possible.

18) When guitar arrives play it until your fingers are too sore to continue because it's actually really nice.

19) With the help of knowledgable friends, buy a second hand 500w amplifier at an insanely discounted price but be unable to try it out because you don't yet have a speaker and the headphone jack doesn't work.

20) Order an 800w speaker from a really good European shop thinking that it will be more than capable of coping with the power of a 500w amp.

21) Play around with amp and speaker and discover that the tone controls are completely retarded and non-sensical.

22) Draw frequency charts to understand what controls do.

23) Use the speaker for a few rehearsals and a gig before it suddenly starts distorting even at low power.

24) Send speaker back to Europe for repairs.

25) Receive returned speaker with a fixed resistor. Fail to try it out at home because it makes everything in the house rattle.

26) Wait many many weeks for the next band practice. Discover speaker still doesn't work.

27) Return speaker for repairs.

28) Receive returned speaker. Wait a few weeks before being able to test it properly.

29) Discover speaker still doesn't work.

30) Wait for a gap in gig schedule before returning speaker for repairs. After all, a barely functioning speaker is better than no speaker.

31) Receive returned speaker. Wait a few weeks before being able to test it properly.

32) Discover speaker still doesn't work.

33) Return speaker for repairs.

34) Receive returned speaker. Wait a few weeks before being able to test it properly.

35) Discover speaker still doesn't work.

36) Wait for a gap in gig schedule before returning speaker for repairs. After all, a barely functioning speaker is better than no speaker.

37) Receive returned speaker. Wait a few weeks before being able to test it properly.

38) Discover speaker STILL DOESN'T WORK.

39) Return speaker for repairs. Discuss possibility of an exchange for something else.

40) Exchange denied due to 'cosmetic damage' making it 'unsuitable for resale'.

41) Argue that the fact that it's shit makes it 'unsuitable for resale' but to no avail.

42) Discover that the previous two times the speaker was returned it wasn't actually repaired as they couldn't find a fault and that they still can't find a fault so will return it.

43) Be told by repair crew that they've checked it AGAIN and still can't find a fault so will return it ASAP.

44) Receive email notification that speaker has been dispatched.

45) Receive email notification that speaker was checked a third time before dispatch. Fault found in three of the five speaker cones. All speaker cones replaced.

46) Receive returned speaker.

47) Notice that 'cosmetic damage' was in fact 'dirt', which could be brushed off with 'fingers'.

48) Wait a few weeks before being able to test it properly.

49) Discover speaker still doesn't work, only this time it suddenly gets far, far worse than ever before.

50) Wait several months for a gap in rehearsal / gig schedule before returning speaker for repairs. After all, a barely functioning speaker is better than no speaker.

51) Wait six days for news about speaker before phoning, only to be told a store-credit refund was given immediately but that the automatic email didn't get through.

52) Spend ages on phone to bass expert choosing a suitable replacement.

53) Chose an expensive cab with a 15" speaker and a matching (expensive) second cab with two 10" speakers and a tweeter.

54) Try to maintain patience when told that the second cab is out of stock and will be available for dispatch the next day. After all, the original cab went wrong only thirteen months ago so what does a couple more days matter?

55) Avidly follow tracking updates as first cab travels across Europe and makes it through English Customs.

56) Wonder why the cab hasn't been delivered, despite being at the local delivery depot very early that morning.

57) Stare in stunned silence at the update that night: 'Importation of the goods is not possible. Due to the goods contained in the shipment, it will be confiscated or destroyed.'

58) Phone courier to discover that it's 100g over the weight specified in their Health and Safety regulations for a solitary driver.

59) Arrange for a really wonderful friend to collect the cab from the depot.

60) Test cab to discover that it works and sounds clear but (obviously) doesn't give the full range of sound without the second matching cab.

61) Try to maintain patience when told that the second cab has been delayed again by the supplier and will be available in two weeks.

62) Try to maintain patience when told that the second cab has been delayed yet again by the supplier and will be available in a week.

63) Upon notification that the second cab has been delayed another three weeks, find cab available at different online store and demand cash refund from European company.

64) Fail to place order with second company because 'there is a problem with your card'.

65) Assure bank that yes, I did want to make that payment and it isn't card fraud.

66) Wait fifteen minutes for card to be reactivated.

67) When fifteen minutes has elapsed discover that computer has frozen.

68) Restart computer and place order for next day delivery.

69) Receive confirmation of order but not confirmation of next day delivery.

70) Receive apologetic phone call from shop the next day saying they don't know why it wasn't delivered but that it will definitely be delivered the next day.

71) Receive second cab the next day and discover that it distorts in the exact same way as the original speaker.

72) Request return.

73) Return booked for between 12pm and 4pm the next day.

74) Courier collects speaker at 11am.

75) Speak to shop to discover they're issuing a refund and that they only had one cab in stock and the supplier hasn't given information on when they can provide more.

76) Find cab at yet another online store.

77) Call store to place order.

78) Discover debit card has been frozen by bank fraud department, despite it not being the card with recent fraudulent activity.

79) Sort out card.

80) Wait until next day to place order as shop has now closed.

81) Call to complete order only to be told that no-one will be in that has access to that file until Tuesday.

82) Wait till Tuesday then complete order.

83) Test out new speaker. Discover that it doesn't work. Not only that, when paired with the other speaker it sounds really REALLY bad.

84) Speak to customer services to be told that it sounds like an impedance mis-match, although according to all the documentation there is no problem there.

85) Call a local shop about having amplifier checked. Be told it sounds like an impedance mis-match and write down number of someone that fixes amps.

86) Call amp repair man, who thinks it sounds like an impedance mis-match and not a fault with the amp.

87) As suggested by amp repair man, test impedance of speakers with multimeter to discover that when paired their impedance totals 3 ohms, not the 4 ohms promised in the documentation. This DESIGN FAULT is causing the amp to overload and is the most likely cause of the problem.

88) Request refund on second speaker.

89) Search several shops for a speaker with similar specifications at a similar price but find nothing.

90) Give up and make do with the one speaker.

91) Book collection with courier to return speaker to shop and try to print return label.

92) Postpone collection upon discovery that printer isn't working.